Volume 13, Number 23, June 8, 2008

(As regular readers know, I sometimes include some personal comments before the actual column begins. I won’t be doing that anymore [for the most part] as many of those comments have a new outlet and will now show up in a new blog I recently started. Check it out at: HYPERLINK "http://jpdave.blogspot.com/" and feel free to join the crowds and leave a comment - already at least one has poured in! The first couple of entries were to just get my feet wet, but recent offering seems to be more enjoyable or thoughtful (or both) and come close what a blog should be. Please take a look and see what’s happening.)

Greetings, and thanks for joining me for another week. Starting us off are a few news stories you may have missed. First, (sung as Connie Francis did it): “V-a-c-a-t-i-o-n in the summer sun….!” The U.S. military runs a beachfront vacation location for its personnel worldwide and their families at the Guantanamo Bay detention facility, with $42-a-night air-conditioned suites, surfing, boat rides, golf course, bowling alley and even a gift shop (whoa, dude, sign me up). One T-shirt for sale reads, "The Taliban Towers at Guantanamo Bay, the Caribbean's Newest 5-star Resort." News of the facility was not widely reported until a British lawyer who represents 28 of the nearly 300 detainees housed there described it to London's Daily Mail.

Next, software engineers told Fortune magazine that they are developing a filter to eliminate stupid messages to online forums and bulletin boards (of course, the filter’s definition of “stupid” may not align with mine). Head researcher Gabriel Ortiz said his team had compiled a database of idiotic comments and that the new software would detect unintelligible remarks and either alert the writer to fix them or it would divert the message to the recipient's "junk mail." Easy dumb messages to filter: those with the tacky, immature repetition of a closing consonant, e.g., "That thing is amazinggggg!!!" (Also things like: (1) “You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.” (2) “Redefining the role of the United States from enablers to keep the peace to enablers to keep the peace from peacekeepers is going to be an assignment.” And (3) “I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe - I believe what I believe is right.” [All quotes spoken by our own POTUS]). More difficult: how to treat sarcasm and irony, in that smart writers sometimes deliberately use dumb statements to mock other writers (really???).

Finally, from Ananova, an armed police SWAT squad that was called and raced to a shoot-out between armed drugs dealers instead found gangsta rappers making a music video. Worried residents in Dortmund, Germany, notified police when they thought they saw a cocaine dealers' gunfight going on outside their homes. But red-faced police found nine men aged between 22 and 36 with fake pistols. The 'cocaine' was sugar and flour in transparent plastic bags. A police spokesman said: "They really did look like they were gangs tooled up for a deadly fight" (so why are police “red-faced”? Like I am sure observers would really know the difference and not make any “mistakes.”)

Scientists declared that they have developed a vaccination to reduce methane emissions from farting and belching sheep and cows. Phil Goff, New Zealand's trade minister, told an economic summit in Paris that a solution was in sight. "Our agricultural research organization just last week was able to map the genome that causes methane in ruminant animals and we believe we can vaccinate against flatulent emissions," Mr Goff said. Sheep, cattle, goats and deer produce large quantities of gas through belching and flatulence, as their multiple stomachs digest grass. Animals are responsible for about a quarter of the methane produced in Britain, but in countries with a large agricultural sector, the proportion is much higher. The 45 million sheep and 10 million cattle in New Zealand burped and farted about 90% of that country's methane emissions, according to government figures. (When will it be ready for humans?)

From My Way News, a Jefferson County (Alabama) Jail inmate has quite a story to tell about how he got there. The nude man claimed to be Jesus Christ and George Bush when sheriff's deputies nailed him with a stun gun after he disregarded their commands. A motorist spotted the 30-year-old standing nude in the middle of Alabama 79 and called police. The man struggled with police and was jolted with a Taser four times before they subdued him and put him in handcuffs and leg irons. He told the deputies he was Jesus Christ and George Bush and could break the handcuffs. Police say he appeared to be intoxicated (gee, you think?). The man was charged with disorderly conduct and resisting arrest.

Yahoo News carried the following Bit about some good news for a change. Doctors who carried out surgery on a Japanese man to remove a "tumor" had good news and bad news for him. He did not have cancer -- but the "growth" that had been causing him pain was in fact a 25-year-old surgical towel. The patient had been carrying the cloth since 1983, when surgeons at the Asahi General Hospital near Tokyo left it in him after an operation to treat an ulcer, a spokesman for the hospital said. The man, now 49, went in to another hospital last month after suffering abdominal pain. When examinations found what was believed to be an eight-centimeter (3.2-inch) tumor, he underwent the operation to remove it. It was only then that surgeons realized it was a towel. "The towel was greenish blue although we are not sure about its original color," the Asahi General Hospital spokesman said, adding it had been crumpled to the size of a softball. Asahi hospital officials visited the man and apologized, he said. The former patient has no plans to sue the hospital, which is in talks with him over compensation or other measures, the official said. Japanese media reports said the man still had his spleen removed.

I have to say that this next Bit sounds like it could/would definitely happen to people I know! From The Dallas Morning News, a Fort Worth man trying to scratch an itch on his back used a revolver and accidentally shot himself (d-uh). Jorge Espinal, 44, was drinking beer (perhaps that’s the key) and playing poker around 3 a.m. in his home, when he got up from the table and walked into another room, said Fort Worth police. “He told officers he had an itch on his back and grabbed the first thing he could get a hold of, which was a revolver. The gun went off." Mr. Espinal went back and told his buddies that he shot himself. “They didn’t believe him until they saw the blood coming down his back.” The man was taken to an area hospital, where he was treated and released with non-life-threatening injuries. (I guess it’s a good thing he didn’t scratch like most guys do, if you know what I mean!)

From the Cairns Post, a roadside, uh, “pit stop” resulted in a world of hurt, embarrassment and a possible death sentence for a tourist when a highly venomous snake bit the end of his, uh, well, you know (hey, stop smirking; it’s not funny). The deadly brown snake slithered between his legs and lunged at his manhood as he crouched down on a roadside about a month ago. Details of the incident only came to light yesterday after they were confirmed by a paramedic. "It (the snake) certainly had a swipe at him," an ambulance spokesman said. "But it didn’t envenomate him" (or emasculate). The snake beat a hasty retreat, leaving its victim with only a scratch, nausea and stomach pain. Emergency workers raced to the scene to treat the man. The wound was wrapped in plastic in case poison had penetrated the skin but medical staff gave the man the all-clear after conducting tests. He was taken to Cooktown Hospital where he spent a night recovering. The ambulance spokesman described him as "lucky", given his near encounter with one of Australia’s most poisonous snakes.

Finally, Monterrey, Mexico, a Mexican man bit off more than he could chew when he allegedly stole a gold bracelet from an 8-year-old girl and then swallowed the evidence. Jose Rigoberto Cruz Salas, 25, was being administered laxatives to recover the evidence at a jail said state police officials. Cruz Salas admitted to the theft and that he had swallowed the bracelet when he saw police coming. Police ordered an x-ray of his stomach, which revealed the stolen jewelry. He faces robbery charges, punishable by a fine or a jail term of six months to 15 years - depending on the bracelet's value. Its worth could not be immediately determined (obviously).

Later.