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Former English teacher seeks rewarding at-home employment (must have benefits). I want to transition into a new career in which: (1) I am able to go to the rest room without arranging coverage (2) I have more than twenty minutes for lunch (3) I can get up later than 5:20 am (4) the boss sometimes tells me what I am doing right (5) the clientele with whom I work are there because they want to be and don’t throw things [and I can comfortably turn my back on them] (6) meetings and workshops have a purpose and are designed to help and not hinder fulfilling the mission (7) I can be sick and staying home is easier than dragging in (8) the rules are pretty much the rules and not constantly interpreted by Monty Hall and a “Let’s-Make-a-Deal” philosophy (9) I can share the great joke I just heard [within reason] and not constantly worry about offending somebody (10) I am able to express an opinion and have it at least considered.
What have you?
Contact: bermbits@gmail.com

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Volume 13, Number 21, May 25, 2008

(As regular readers know, I sometimes include some personal comments before the actual column begins. I won’t be doing that anymore [for the most part] as many of those comments have a new outlet and will now show up in a new blog I recently started. Check it out at: http://jpdave.blogspot.com/ and feel free to join the crowds and leave a comment - already one has poured in! The first couple of entries were to just get my feet wet, but recent offering seems to be more enjoyable and come close what a blog should be [and are reminiscent of the old Berman’s Bits from years ago, if you know what I mean]. Please take a look and see what’s happening.)

Greetings, and thanks for joining me for another week. Starting us off are a few news stories you may have missed. First, from the Agence France-Presse, a provision in Switzerland's constitution recognizes the "dignity" of "animals, plants and other organisms," and a federal Ethics Committee on Non-Human Gene Technology declared in a report that vegetation has "inherent worth" and that humans cannot exercise "absolute ownership" over it but must treat it morally, measured case-by-case. For example, the committee said a farmer's mowing his field is acceptable, but not the arbitrary severing of a wildflower's bloom. The committee would permit genetic engineering of flora, since plants would still retain the "autonomy" to reproduce on their own. (Gee, I wonder if the Democrats have adopted this as part of the party platform.)

Next, from News of the Weird, as an alternative to burial, cremation is no longer green enough, suggest environmentalists, because it gives off smoke and mercury. As a result, the industry is considering "promession," in which the body is frozen in liquid nitrogen to minus-320 degrees (F) and then shaken until it disintegrates into powder. For green burials, the United States has at least six cemeteries that require biodegradable casings and for bodies to be free of embalming chemicals. The Forever Fernwood cemetery in Mill Valley, Calif., goes even further banning grave markers, but, said the owner, "We issue the family a Google map with the GPS coordinates" so they can find their loved one (that’s nice of them).

Finally, from Ananova, an Italian retiree ended up in hospital after a fight with another man over who would get the last piece of cake at an all-you-can-eat buffet (that’s a good reason, isn’t it?). As Niccolo Bruno, 70, grabbed the cake a second man Alfredo Mancini 62, stabbed his knife into the unfortunate Bruno at the food counter of a restaurant in Novate Milanese, northern Italy. But Mancini who then tried to hobble out of the store on a walking stick was arrested by a pair of off-duty police and is facing jail on charges of bodily harm. Bruno was taken to hospital but later released after doctors treated the stab wound.

So, is it really okay to wish people a Happy Memorial Day? Does anyone even know what we are remembering? As the unofficial start of summer, it is certainly a celebratory holiday with sporting events and cookouts almost everywhere. Why is this a day to celebrate? An average of 1,800 veterans die each day with 10 percent of them being buried in the country's 125 national cemeteries, which are expected to set a record with 107,000 interments, including dependents, this year. Because of the numbers, even more national cemeteries are being built. Well, at least, everyone will be asked to observe a moment of silence at 3 pm before returning to cookouts and ball games. Then back to the cookouts, ball games, etc. Anyhow, uh, Happy (or Somber) Memorial Day to you and yours.

The AP carried the following Bit from Texas: How much is one man worth? During three years in the lowly minor league, John Odom never really made a name for himself until he got traded for a bunch of bats. "I don't really care," he said. "It'll make a better story if I make it to the big leagues." For now, Odom is headed to the Laredo Broncos of the United League. They got him from the Calgary Vipers of the Golden Baseball League for a most unlikely price: 10 Prairie Sticks Maple Bats, double-dipped black, 34-inch, C243 style. "They just wanted some bats, good bats — maple bats," Broncos general manager Jose Melendez said. According to the Prairie Sticks Web site, their maple bats retail for $69 each, discounted to $65.50 for purchases of six to 11 bats. The Canadian team signed Odom about a month ago, but couldn't get the 26-year-old righty into the country. It seems Odom had a "minor" but unspecified criminal record that wasn't revealed to immigration officials before they scanned his passport, Vipers president Peter Young said. Odom said the charge stemmed from a fight when he was 17. Although he thought it had been expunged from his record, it popped up during immigration. The bat trade wasn't the first time Calgary came up with some creative dealmaking. The Vipers once tried to acquire a pitcher for 1,500 blue seats when they were renovating their stadium, Young said. (I suspect when I was a rookie teacher, there were talks in the works to trade me for a phys. ed. teacher and three administrators.)

In a tragic (but not surprising) Bit, a 17-year-old girl was killed by a train as she crossed the track while talking on her cell-phone. According to police, witnesses said the girl was walking across the Burlington Northern Santa Fe Railway near First Avenue and Cole Street while talking on her cell-phone when she was hit about 11:44 a.m. by a southbound Amtrak train and killed. A police spokesman said the girl was not at a marked crossing when she was struck. "This appears to be a very bad accident," he said. (Gee, you think?)

Finally, from Reuters, the good ol’ American Way! (The following Bit is presented exactly as presented) A Missouri car dealer said sales have soared at his auto and truck business since launching a promotion this week that promises buyers a free handgun or a $250 gas card with every purchase. Max Motors, a small Butler, Missouri dealership that has as its logo a grimacing cowboy wielding a pistol, has sold more than 30 cars and trucks in the last three days, far more than its normal volume. And owner Mark Muller credits his decision to start offering buyers their choice of a $250 gas card or a $250 credit at a gun shop. "This thing has taken off. Sales have quadrupled," said Muller. The store sells both used and new vehicles including General Motors and Ford products. Every buyer so far "except one guy from Canada and one old guy" has elected to take the gun, Muller said. Muller recommends his customers select a Kel-Tec .380 pistol. "It's a nice little handgun that fits in your pocket," he said. Muller said the promotion was inspired by Illinois Sen. Barack Obama, who is vying with Hillary Clinton to be the Democratic nominee for the presidential election in November. "We did it because of Barack Obama. He said all those people in the Midwest; you've got to have compassion for them because they're clinging to their guns and their Bibles. I found that quite offensive." "We all go to church on Sunday and we all carry guns," said Muller. "I've got a gun in my pocket right now. I have a rifle in my truck. We've got to shoot the coyotes out here; they're attacking our cows, our chickens. We're not clinging to nothing. We're just damn glad to live in a free country where you can have a gun if you want. This is the way it ought to be." (I wonder if the Republicans may somehow latch this idea on to their national platform.…)

Later.