Greetings, and thanks for joining me for another week. Starting us off are a few news stories you may have missed. First, it’s our money… or at least it used to be! From News of the Weird, to fund a new Iraqi economy and government after the March 2003 invasion, the U.S. Federal Reserve shipped 484 pallets of shrink-wrapped U.S. currency, weighing 363 tons, totaling more than $4 billion, and, according to a House of Representatives committee staff report, most of the cash was either haphazardly disbursed or distributed to proper channels but with little follow-up tracking. By March 2007, The Times of London found bank records revealing, for instance, that two unremarkable Baghdad small-business men (appointed to the defense ministry) eventually deposited over $1 billion in private accounts in Jordan, and that U.S. efforts to buy state-of-the-art equipment for the Iraqi army were seriously undermined because middlemen purchased only cheap, obsolete Polish munitions and pocketed the savings. So what else is new?

Next, London’s Daily Telegraph carried the following look at government in action (theirs, not ours): the Havering town council in Romford, England, put together a 300-page report, which was the result of a 12-month investigation, to find out who had heckled a speaker at a zoning meeting by making "baaa" noises. The authors said they had narrowed the list of suspects. (Maybe they could go on Maury for DNA testing – a recent guest was narrowing her list of suspects as to who had fathered her child – she was testing the 17th possibility!)

Finally, a twofer… (a) from Ananova, a bit strange (or a strange Bit): Mike Lake, a Canadian Member of Parliament, wants the legendary hairy man-like beast, aka Sasquatch, protected under Canada's Species at Risk Act. A petition to the Canadian House of Commons, signed by almost 500 of his constituents in Edmonton, Alberta, asks the government "to establish immediate, comprehensive legislation to effect immediate protection of Bigfoot." Bigfoot researcher Todd Standing, who was behind the petition, claims to have proof of the sasquatch's existence and says he fears for its safety. Slowing efforts is the concept that Bigfoot is considered by most to be a combination of folklore and hoaxes.
(b) From Breitbart.com, a bit stranger (or a stranger Bit (presented as presented): “In some ways, Hiasl is like any other Viennese: He indulges a weakness for pastry, likes to paint and enjoys chilling out watching TV. But he doesn't care for coffee, and he isn't actually a person—at least not yet. In a case that could set a global legal precedent for granting basic rights to apes, animal rights advocates are seeking to get the 26- year-old male chimpanzee legally declared a "person." Hiasl's supporters argue he needs that status to become a legal entity that can receive donations and get a guardian to look out for his interests. "Our main argument is that Hiasl is a person and has basic legal rights," said Eberhart Theuer, a lawyer leading the challenge on behalf of the Association Against Animal Factories, a Vienna animal rights group. "We mean the right to life, the right to not be tortured, the right to freedom under certain conditions," Theuer said. "We're not talking about the right to vote here." (As a JP, I do have to ask, “What about the right to marry?” [Seriously, person or not, no animal deserves to be abused!])\

People not like us…. From London’s Daily Mail, a 17-year-old girl has been stoned to death in Iraq because she loved a teenage boy of the wrong religion. As a horrifying video of the stoning went out on the Internet, the British arm of Amnesty International condemned the death of Du’a Khalil Aswad as "an abhorrent murder" and demanded that her killers be brought to justice. Reports from Iraq said a local security force witnessed the incident, but did nothing to try to stop it. Now her boyfriend is in hiding in fear for his life. Miss Aswad, a member of a minority Kurdish religious group called Yezidi, was condemned to death as an "honor killing" by other men in her family and hard-line religious leaders because of her relationship with the Sunni Muslim boy. (Yup, things like that will stop when we bring democracy to their country! They’ll be more like us. Stuff like that doesn’t happen here… unless you’re black or gay or Jewish or… well, you get the idea.)

This next Bit has been in the mainstream news, but it underscores what I rant and rail about year after year – frivolous lawsuits! A missing pair of pants has led to one big suit (but without the pants). A customer got so outraged when a dry cleaner allegedly misplaced his trousers that he sued for $65 million. Two years later, he is still pressing his suit (groan). The case has demoralized the South Korean immigrant owners of the mom-and-pop business and brought demands that the customer — an administrative law judge in Washington — be disbarred and removed from office for pursuing such a frivolous and abusive claim. Jin Nam Chung, Ki Chung and their son, Soo Chung, are considering moving back to Seoul, seven years after they opened their dry-cleaning business in the nation's capital, said their lawyer, Chris Manning. He added, "They're out a lot of money, but more importantly, incredibly disenchanted with the system.”. "This has destroyed their lives." The customer, Roy L. Pearson Jr., who has been representing himself, declined to comment. According to court documents, the problem began in May 2005 when Pearson became a judge and brought several suits for alterations to Custom Cleaners in Washington. A pair of pants from one suit was missing when he requested it two days later. Pearson asked the cleaners for the full price of the suit: more than $1,000. But a week later, the Chungs said the pants had been found and refused to pay. Pearson said those were not his pants, and decided to take the Chungs to the cleaners and sue. Manning said the cleaners have made three settlement offers to Pearson: $3,000, then $4,600, then $12,000. But Pearson was not satisfied and expanded his calculations beyond one pair of pants. Because Pearson no longer wanted to use his neighborhood dry cleaner, he asked in his lawsuit for $15,000 — the cost of renting a car every weekend for 10 years to go to another business.

In a vaguely-related Bit, another frivolous lawsuit: Back in 1991, Richard Overton sued Anheuser-Busch for $10,000. Heclaimed to have suffered emotional distress, mental injury, and financial loss because drinking beer did not make his fantasies of beautiful women in tropical settings come to life, as he claimed it had advertised, driving him to buy and drink more Bud Light. What was the big difference between this suit and the last one? This case was dismissed!
Leaving tracks in the sands of… cyberspace! From the Parsippany Daily Record, William T. McGuire of Woodbridge, N.J., was murdered, his dismembered body found stuffed into three suitcases fished out of the Chesapeake Bay. Investigators looked closely at his wife, Melanie, 34, a nurse. Her computer was impounded, and her search history found that in the days before the murder Melanie had searched Google and other search engines for terms including "how to commit murder", "instant poisons" and "undetectable poisons". She also researched some gun laws. Some ten days later, William was shot to death after being debilitated by a sedative. The drug was purchased at a Walgreen's store; the computer had recorded a visit to the Walgreen's web site's store locator. Melanie has been convicted of murder, and faces at least 30 years in prison.
Finally: May 6 is Beverage Day (but do not drink and drive!). May 7 is International Tuba Day (I have a tuba… a “tuba toothpaste!” Hardy-har, snark, snuckle!). May 8 is No Socks Day (I would love to insert a joke here about no socks, but….) May 9 is Lost Sock Memorial Day. May 10 is Clean Up Your Room Day. May 11 is Eat What You Want Day (unfortunately I seem to celebrate this every day. It’s also Twilight Zone Day (year, for me, every day is TZ day). And May 12 is Limerick Day (probably created by a man from Nan…, uh, Boston, yeah, that’s it, Boston).

Later.